When he contacted me earlier this summer, my first question was why was he looking into this at all. It’s an important issue, but we’re such a small scene compared to a lot of the types of things that a site like Vice Sports usually covers. He made an interesting point that the response of the Lindy Hop community is unfortunately unique compared to how events usually unfold when a sports star or celebrity is accused of sexual assault or rape. Opinion usually turns against the accusers pretty quickly, who usually end up either villanized, ostracized, and/or forgotten in short order. Sarah coming forward actually inspired others to tell their stories, and we as a community started to figure out how to identify and address the issues that led to the circumstances that allowed Steven Mitchell to do what he did.
It’s deplorable that this kind of response is unique, and we can still do better.
…guilty. I’ve done that a few times before. Is it really that annoying? I’ll stop doing that then.
(It’s always weird singling one person out of a group to ask to dance though. I’d feel bad for the people I didn’t ask, like, they mightthink that I like that person better than the rest of them [No, I don’t. It’s probably random.]. That’s why I ask “Would one of you like to dance?” Because that allows anyone who actually feels like dancing to volunteer.)
This was a user submission, so I will not pretend to speak for the person who sent this problem in and for their intentions.
For me, there are a couple of issues at play here:
If I’m mid-conversation with someone, I don’t usually love to be asked to dance by someone else. If the song had started playing and I just had to dance it, then I would have paused my conversation and started looking for a partner. Chances are, if the song has started and I’m still clearly carrying on a conversation, then I don’t particularly want to dance right now and I’d prefer to be asked when I’m less clearly in the middle of something. Exceptions might be made for favorite partners/close friends/etc but that’s a good general expectation for myself.
Having someone approach a group that I am part of and asking if “one of us” would like to dance is stressful. What if I really want to but so does someone else and now we are competing for that dance with you to see who can shout it out first?
Alternatively, what if none of us want to dance at that moment, and we have to go down the line saying no? Also awkward.
As a beginner, whenever this happened I compared myself to the other people in the group and if I didn’t feel like I was as good of a dancer, then I wouldn’t jump up to dance with whoever asked because I didn’t really feel like they were asking me and I assumed they probably wanted one of the other people in the group instead.
Ultimately, if you feel like it’s okay to approach the people having a conversation to ask, I’d advocate for asking one of them specifically. If they say no, and the other person doesn’t jump up and ask you, then I would move on and accept that they want to continue talking. Please don’t turn around and ask each person individually in the group if no one offers when the first person declines.
(Just my thoughts here, but I know that they are shared by a whole lot of friends.)
Co-signing this approach hardcore. Know who you’re asking to dance.
I did submit this one, and what @lindyhopproblems said is exactly what I had in mind when I submitted it.
There’s a difference in body language between “making small talk because we don’t have partners yet” (usually we’re sort of half still facing the floor, maybe scanning the floor for prospective partners from time to time, don’t have drinks in our hands), and “I’m involved in telling a story or a deep conversation” (turned away from the floor, making lots of gestures, maybe leaned against a wall, seated, have a drink in my hand, etc.).
Asking someone to dance is hard, but you get better at it over time, and a no now doesn’t mean no forever. Ask one person to dance (none of this holding your hand out to a bunch of people in a conversation and asking if one of them would like to dance), be clear in your intention, and if they say no, no big deal! Ask someone else or go grab some water or solo in the corner.
I am taking a nonverbal communication class right now, and have chosen to do my final project over nonverbal communication in social dancing! If you could fill out this survey for me, I would GREATLY appreciate it! I’m trying to reach as many dancers as I can, and from different dance scenes as well. It won’t take too much your time.
